I Wish It Would Rain
by Seeky L. H. Wolf
Summary: Songfic to Phil Collin's song--Rated for suicide, unreturned love--Hiei contemplates his memories...I suck at summaries, and I mean it!


This story is my entry in Evil Towel's contest. I used the specified phrase at the end, though it really doesn't fit that well. Oh, well. I really enjoy Evil Towel's work, so to be given such a compliment as winning this contest would be—as great as meeting Kurama in real life. Eh, not trying to suck up or anything...I just appreciate their work, and feel that "Psychiatrist's Office" needs to be revived somehow.  
  
This is also my very first songfic, and I've chosen a moldy oldie for the task: "I Wish It Would Rain," by Phil Collins. It's a sad song, and a sad story, but when I saw the lyrics, something clicked. It was like a plot bunny came bouncing into the field of my craft! My muse, Pern, always loved Phil Collins and Genesis, so she helped me with the storyline.  
  
Anyway, this fic is from Hiei's POV, talking to Kurama—yeah, it's fluffy, but as Kiki Jones once called the genre, "angsty fluff." Actually, most of the inspiration for this came in a Roundabout (ooh...Yes...I am a music geek!) manner from deliciae, who I have read only one story by, but it was a good one!  
  
This story is dedicated to Abby Cab. Or anyone who gets that god-awful pun. I am a connoisseur of music that's older that I am, so all my songfics will prob'ly be oldies—but nothing too old or bad (Alan Parsons Project—Old and Wise). Gawk! I need to move into the story, before I go into the embarrassing stuff (Ozzy Osbourne). Shut up, Pern!  
  
To disclaim, owning YYH would mean that I'd own Kuwabara, and who wants that? I only own this idea—or maybe the plot bunny owns it. Eh, poo.  
  
I couldn't cope with it. Them. I couldn't hold them. It. The feelings, love, desire, trust—I'd never dealt with such a strong force of passion. I was battered by the brutal barrage of it. I didn't want to admit it. I couldn't. You knew me—the true me—as no one ever tried to. I felt feeble and weak beside the power of your confidence. I couldn't take it.  
  
You know I never meant to see you again  
  
Therefore, I decided to leave. Pack up my life and go. Hit the road, and be away by morning. I couldn't stay, feeling like I had swallowed a burning star—like I had lost all my fears except rejection.  
  
And I only passed by as a friend  
  
However, before I left for good, I decided to stop by your house one last time—just to see your face again, not to say anything. I just wanted to see you when you were asleep—feel the aura of your presence. I wanted one last moment—maybe a last chance to snap out of it.  
  
All this time I stayed out of sight  
  
Not that I could sort it out. You were so wise, strong, and perfect. Falling in love with you was like falling in love with love itself.  
  
And I started wondering why  
  
It was raining outside, and as always, you had left the window open. Even though you were asleep, you left the window open for me. However, I stayed outside, in the rain. I dared not risk wakening you. I didn't come closer than the windowsill, still in the pouring rain.  
  
Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me  
Yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me  
  
You were murmuring in your sleep, you know. You were talking to a dream, somewhere. Do you realize what you said? "Hiei? He's gone? Took long enough!" That was it, but it hurt. Simple and clear rejection raced through my veins. Nevertheless, as simple as it seemed, I noticed a single tear roll down your cheek.  
  
You said you didn't need me in your life  
  
I-I don't know why you were crying. I think I hurt you somehow. I couldn't help it, you know. At that moment, all I felt was a deep anger at—at—myself. However, I thought it was you I hated, then. I turned right away to leave.  
  
I guess you were right  
  
You know, it was stupid of me to leave, but I did, anyway. You didn't need me. Neither did the humans. Yukina had Kuwabara, and she really didn't even need me in the first place. I knew I was unneeded, and so I left.  
  
Well, I never meant to cause you no pain  
  
I'm sorry that it hurt you then, as I turned my back and leapt off into the rain. I thought that by coming when you were asleep, I could spare you all the hurt that I felt. I honestly didn't know how you felt at all.  
  
But it looks like I did it again  
  
The rain was enough to dilute my tears, so they wouldn't crystallize. I left the city, went away to the Demon World again. I knew you couldn't follow me there, not in that form. Yes, the rain diluted my tears then, but you saw them later, and you knew.  
  
Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me  
  
Yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now  
  
You knew I had gone back. You knew I wasn't coming back. I recently found out that you took a human lover. You moved on, as your kind does. You didn't care about one lonely half-koorime, half fire demon.  
  
Though your hurt is gone, mines hanging on, inside  
  
I still cared about you. I still do, even at this moment. That was what had hurt so much. Fire demons have not facility for caring in their biology. Koorimes do, but it wasn't enough to stop all the pain. The ache of love's labors lost was with me.  
  
And I know it's eating me through every night and day  
  
You moved on. You took a human lover. You said farewell to me without ever saying goodbye. You're a lost cause to my small heart. I'm never going to have you, am I? There's no reason for me to still hold such deep-rooted passion.  
  
I'm just waiting on your sign  
  
There's still the fact that you did shed a tear for me. In the koorime society, that's the greatest gesture one can make. Yet, you didn't mean anything by it, did you? You meant it in the human way—I had caused you pain and suffering.  
  
'Cause I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain  
  
How could I have done it differently? Is there any way that we could have both been happy? I failed as a person, and a friend. I failed you, others, and probably myself.  
  
And I realize I let you down  
  
I failed myself, by falling into the trap of love. However, my biggest failure was to not do anything about it. I ran away. I—lost my only chance at happiness.  
  
But I know in my heart of heart of hearts  
  
Well, that's it. I'm finally owning up to my problems, and I'm going to be rid of them in one fell swoop. I truly am sorry that it has to be this way, but I simply can't take it any more. I'm running away again, and I know it. I'm so sorry, you know.  
  
I know I'm never gonna hold you again  
  
I'm lying here, cold, naked, alone, waiting for the Demon World rain. No, it's not acid or anything. It's simply cold, soaking rain, like when I left you. However, this time, instead of going away from the rain, I'm going to let it pour over me. As weak and vulnerable as I am, and being a fire demon, it'll kill me; extinguish me life's fire. A horrible death, isn't it? No less than I deserve, then. A horrible life, ergo, a horrible death. Don't try to blame yourself. I know you will. I am the one to blame, for being weak, shy, arrogant, and all the other things that led me here. I am the one doing this. By the time you know, I'll be gone, and my pride with me. Was that a raindrop, or a tear?  
  
Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me  
  
Yes, I wish it would rain, rain down on me now  
  
Yes, it is the rain, come to take that weak thing known as Hiei away. That misfit, that loser. I—I am ready to move away from him into another self. When the Grim Reaper, Botan or otherwise, comes for him, that weak, lost, sad Hiei, I will let him go.  
  
Well, that was it. A quick, short, sad piece. I think I really captured Hiei's soul in there. He always seemed unable to cope with the deeper stuff—he's still, according to his title, "Forbidden Child," developing as a person, not totally matured. He's still continuing on the path to knighthood, if you catch the drift.  
  
I mean not insult to any fangirl or other fan, by killing Hiei. The only insult is toward him, by dying in the rain, and not using his sword or something. I wanted the image of him lying on the cold wet ground, alone and crying, totally naked (as to let it kill him quicker, though any other thoughts caused by this are...fine, I suppose. Just don't share them with me), to stick in the readers' heads. It's like the opposite of lying on the grass, next to your true love, in the summer, on a sunny day, watching clouds, etc.  
  
So, do you like? Love? Wish to bury my computer in a pile of molten glass? Well, there's only one way to spread that sentiment. RR! All reviews with e-mail addresses will be replied. As will any e-mails on this story. I love my reviewers—though not in any way like romance or anything.  
  
Well, if you want to review, do so. If not, stay and listen to me babble. 


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